Someone mentioned a book to me over the weekend, but she couldn’t remember the author or the title. She said she was talking with someone who told her about a book that talks about how God is always good even when we don’t see it. So I contacted the person she was talking to, and asked her the name of the book. Because I was, literally, at that moment standing in a Barnes & Noble. So I bought the book…One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. For a long time I didn’t want to get this book because I felt like EVERYONE was reading it. I guess I initially rebel at the idea of doing something just because everyone else is doing it. But I do not ever – again – want to get to the point in my life where I rebel against something just for the sake of rebellion or, and most especially, when I know the Lord is likely leading me toward something. That’s a dangerous, slippery slope people…and a whole different story for a different day.
When I read, I tend to take the books in…not just into my brain when I’m reading them, but into my soul. I feel like they become part of who I am at the moment. I take them personally. It’s hard to let go. It’s hard to put the book down, to walk away from it and not think about it. But maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. If I am reading something that is truth-filled, am I supposed to be able to just walk away from it?
I think not. I think when God speaks to us, however He chooses to speak, it’s meant to stay with us..to change us. To make us think. To make us see Him differently. To see our circumstances differently. To take a good long look at my own darkness and brokenness.
So, I began reading. So far, I’ve only just read the first chapter. When I finished that one shapter, my heart was racing. I felt clammy. Part of me feels like I want to throw the book and never come back to it. But a bigger part of me knows I need to finish it. I guess it’s because I’m at a place in my life where I see the Lord differently than I have before. I see Him in everything I do, and everything I see, and everything I read, is this normal? It’s not normal for me.
Do I even want it to be normal for me? Do I WANT to see Him in everything? No. If i am being completely honest. Probably not. Because if I can see Him in everything, then that also means I can see ME in everything. And I’m ugly. I have darkness. I have ugly places in my heart that I don’t necessarily want to confront right now. And yet, I keep reading, I keep searching, I keep looking for Him. Maybe I’m crazy.
This isn’t the only book I’m reading. I have bought or been given several lately. I almost feel like I’m craving to know more of what the Lord has for me. And yes, I do read my Bible every day. But sometimes I feel like I need someone else to put into words the things I’m learning or feeling.
Some of the books I bought recently to read are For the Love by Jen Hatmaker, Before Amen and Glory Days by Max Lucado, Undone by Michelle Cushatt, The Weight of Glory by CS Lewis. And many others.
What are some books you are reading and finding to be true for you?